Over 3 years ago now, I entered my first serious attack of my chronic disease. With this attack came many realizes and many changes of perspective. Along with those changes, I had to leave an entire world, an entire culture that I had invested 3 years of my life chasing. It was probably just as hard as a break up, although admittedly a little bit easy as I had a loving girlfriend (now fiancé) to look forward to. That world I left behind was that of martial arts and as much as I hated to walk away, I had to for the sake of my own health.
Now it’s easy to think, “Well ya of course you wanted to walk away. You can get seriously hurt doing martial arts, you can get brain damage or break something.” But this wasn’t the reason I was walking away. If this were the case, it would’ve been my choice. But this wasn’t the case and that choice was taken from me the minute my immune system decided to go rogue. I want to elaborate on this for a minute, and go into a little bit of detail before I discuss the implications.
With my disease, Ulcerative Colitis, abdominal pain is a huge factor. Some days it can feel like I’ve been stuck like a pig right in the stomach and someone is twisting the knife. Other days I will be completely fine. There is no rhyme or reason. This had hit its peak three years ago, just after I had gotten my Blue Belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ). When I had gotten that belt, I was heavy loaded with school work and wasn’t spending much time on the mats, but I had it in my head that I would not be one of those guys who got his blue belt and then just disappeared. I had every intention to train and get my Black Belt one day, but that wasn’t to be the case. I had the honour of lining up with my fellow training partners maybe twice as a Blue Belt before the attacks hit, and even after I tried to be stubborn. I tried to continue training, but it wasn’t long before I realized I couldn’t take any pressure on my body and so ruled out BJJ. Maybe kickboxing then? Nope, I couldn’t take shots to the body either, not unless I was willing to wear a diaper just in case I got hit so hard that my body couldn’t resist the urges associated with Colitis. This just didn’t seem like a good idea.
So much to my dismay, I hung up my BJJ Gis, took one last look at my Blue Belt, put it away, and walked away from serious training. Now, I still hit the heavy bag from time to time, so I haven’t completely given up, but the world of competing, and grinding it out in the trenches with my fellow practitioners, going to tournaments and hopes of winning a gold medal vanished that day. I’ve often wondered if some of the depression associated with my disease was caused by the thought that I may not be able to do something for the rest of my life. I shouldn’t say never, maybe one day I can go back, I am an optimist after all.
Now, why in the world would I share this story on a site that is based off of being stubborn with your disease, saying “screw it”, and doing what you want to do anyway? Well, there are two reasons. The first is that I have nothing to hide. I walked away from a passion of mine in my darkest hour, which probably contributed to several other factors mentally. I want to show that it is normal to feel the hurt of disease, to feel the desire to quit, and the fact that it is okay to walk away for a bit when things are the worst. I didn’t hop back into sport in the midst of my most severe disease flare up, I had to wait until I got that under some sort of control and I want zero confusion in regards to what I believe. That is, get yourself to a baseline of health before you tackle sports and fitness. It is possible to do more harm than good if you don’t have a small baseline of health. For me, without that baseline, my body wouldn’t be able to absorb nutrients, so sport and fitness would actually make me sicker and skinnier. It does follow a perfect in-between.
The second reason I tell this story is because there are some things that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, may be out of your reach physiologically, or at least for the time being. Again, there is a happy medium between saying “screw it, I’m going to do it anyway” and the fact that some things may not be smart at all. For me, BJJ was never going to happen because of the physiological restrictions that were put in place by my disease. Maybe one day when I am in full health I can return, maybe not. The point here though is that listen to your body and if the harm outweighs the good, put the brakes on, at least momentarily. This is a tricky thing. It was really tricky for me. My mind always asked, “am I giving up because I’m soft and quitting early or is my body really telling me something?” Friends and family can help you with this decision, but in the end it has to be your decision. I made my decision after a couple of days of thinking and reading, realizing that no matter how mentally tough I was, the ulcers would still be in my intestines and putting pressure on them was just a bad idea.
Now, one other thing to realize is that everything happens for a reason. Yes, I walked away from martial arts, but I’m still able to hit a heavy bag and I train for fun now. If I didn’t walk away (by force or choice) I may not have ever founded this website, I may have never fallen in love with the sport of soccer, and I may have still been restricting my diet, and fighting in local tournaments when in fact that was never my journey. Life has a very weird way of setting us on the proper path, and I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I am where I am today because I have a purpose here. How I got here is part of that story, and I don’t regret one second of it. Follow your heart, listen to your head, and treat your body well. But more importantly, don’t ever think that when you’re down, you’re out. For it could just be another path you are being set upon.