top of page

Refusing to Go Away Quietly


For me, the scariest thing about having a disease isn’t the pain associated with what I have, it’s not about the limitations put on my abilities (which could just be perceived limitations, not true ones), and it’s not the idea that I have to take medication with a risk of some scary side effects. While all these things do weigh in the back of my mind, they are tiny in comparison to the truly scary thing that comes to my mind when thinking about my disease. That thing is just disappearing into the shadows and accepting the second place trophy in life because of my disease. This is something that was shoved into my face a few summers ago, and I almost succumbed to it without even realizing it.

I’ve spoken about the one summer that I basically spent indoors, but I don’t believe I really elaborated on the thought process, the fears, the realities, and my eventual conclusion that got me to the point where I was ready to look into joining a sport and leaving the house. Each of these things had a part to play, and whether we notice them or not, they play a huge role in each and every one of our lives.

I still remember the feeling of sitting on my bed, playing Call of Duty and thinking that this may very well be the pinnacle and future of my life. This is understandable when you are faced with a new and very challenging situation where you believe there is no immediate solution. How would I ever work a real 40+ hour a week job if I couldn’t leave my house for an 8 hour work day? How could I even get a job when the nerves of interviewing kept me glued to a bathroom for the duration of the day? Maybe it’s time to start looking at self-employment that I could do from home seeing as I can barely leave to go to the grocery store or the doctor’s office. These were all the dominant thoughts in my head at that time. Looking back on it now, I can see that this was me giving into my disease, but at the time, I thought I was merely adapting to it. They do say hindsight vision is always 20/20.

This kind of thinking went on for weeks. Yea, I still had one job but I was getting barely any hours and pretty much felt unemployed. I didn’t want to ever do anything and was starting to get very content just staying at home, watching TV, playing Xbox, and thinking of better days. I could see it starting to take a toll on my girlfriend, now fiancé. She was doing the best she could to be supportive, and she still does. I can’t believe that to this day, I will leave her sitting alone at a table in a restaurant for 10 minutes (sometimes more) and when I get back, she never complains, never sighs, never says crude remarks, but simply asks “everything okay?” and it’s asked with genuine concern. I couldn’t have gotten any luckier. But regardless, I could start to tell that this wasn’t the life she wanted and I couldn’t blame her. Not only did I not tell her what I was feeling, but we never went out. Everything was slowly starting to slip away. But it was at this point that I realized my choice.

It was here that I was faced with a choice. I could succumb to my disease, wallow in self-pity and become a permanent home body. I could make the leap into home self-employment, quit school, and start figuring that out. I could live out the rest of my life in quiet seclusion and let life pass me by, all of which would be the result of my disease. Or, I could start getting feisty. I could say enough is enough. I could take risks, open that front door, and go charging into the world to leave my mark. I could overcome my disease and live a life that I would not regret at the end and in the end I would be showing myself that I am not my disease, but rather something much more. Now, I have never been one to go away quietly, and I have always dreamed of leaving my mark and living life to the fullest, so really, the choice for me was quite easy once I realized I had a choice. I see now that the important thing wasn’t that I made the choice, but rather, that I realized that I had a choice. This is what I want to emphasize.

Now, whether you would prefer to live life quietly, simply and in the comfort of your own home, or if you’d rather do as I did and walk out guns blazing into the world (metaphorically), the important thing to realize is that the choice is yours. One thing that constantly breaks my heart is that I hear stories of people who believe that they didn’t have a choice, and this is simply not true. We all have that choice and we all choose whether we realize it or not. I could’ve turned a blind eye and sat quietly at home, not testing my boundaries. Who knows where I would end up if I went that route? I could’ve convinced everyone (even myself) that I stay at home because of my disease, because it is so bad that leaving the house is not an option, but that would have been a lie. We can always do something to improve our health and lives in one way or another. For me, the first step wasn’t leaving the house right away, the first step was eating right to help manage my symptoms. It was the baby steps that eventually led to my ability to make a choice.

I’ve made my choice. That choice has been to walk out my front door, to tackle life and the seemingly impossible. I do this every day. Thus, why Athletics For Life exists. I’m here to show you that the impossible really doesn’t mean anything. Impossible is a lie we tell ourselves to feel better. Let’s be honest, who has even heard of an athlete who showed up to an open tryout and made it onto the squad? It’s pretty few and far between. Now, let’s narrow it down and say, how many of those athletes were above the age of 25 and had a diagnosed chronic disease. I bet the answer is countable on one hand. Statistically, it seems like an impossible feat. Yet, I live for the impossible and am here to show that the impossible is nothing but a figment of the imagination. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what journey you choose, or what area of life you want to excel in. It doesn’t matter if you have a chronic disease or if you are just surrounded by nay-sayers. What is important is that you don’t listen to those who say you can’t do it, and start listening to yourself when you say “I can”.

NOTE: Image taken from Facebook. It is not my own work. Relevance to the article?? Truly, not much other than the fact that Darth Vader and Charizard aren't going down without a fight!


bottom of page