So last week an opportunity hit me in the face. Some friends from work who play in the Men’s A division of my coed team needed a keeper. I had played with them before, and did decently well, so they had asked me to play for their team again. I honestly couldn’t say no. After the first game I played with them, I was hooked on the faster paced play, even though it meant harder shots from closer distance and a tougher time for me. I loved the challenge and was ready to step up again… but nervous at the same time. It might’ve just been indoor soccer, but I’m a competitive guy. I wanted to help this team get a win.
Now, at the same time, I had a game in my own league also later that night. I had 2 hours after the first game to relax and prepare for my game. What adds to the “drama” (lol) was that the team we were facing was what I consider our rivals. They beat us very early in the season 1-0 and 2-0 in two very close games. There were some controversial calls both ways that could’ve changed the game but in the end, we lost both and they were ones to be remembered, losing the first one in the last minute of the game, and the second one to lapses in defense. Nonetheless, I knew I was in for a night of good games.
I showed up to the first game fighting back some nerves, as I always do. Got ready and got on the field. Yet, even the warm up didn’t feel good. I was dropping catches I knew I should’ve made, felt like my feet were cemented to the ground… My head and my nerves were starting to get the better of me. I knew we were up against the 2nd place team in the league, but I had played against 1st place with these guys and it went good for what it was worth. Nonetheless, this was a new game, with new nerves and an unfamiliar team. Needless to say, the warm up basically summed up my game. At half-time it was 2-1 with me letting in the first 2 shots (which on any other day I might’ve had) and fumbling a ball I could’ve/should’ve caught. Rough times. The second half was more of the same. I got beat on two plays I normally could’ve stopped. Nothing fancy. Highlight for me was making a reaction save off a header that was eventually called back anyway… so there goes my highlight! In the end, we lost that one 4-2 and I walked away with my head hanging low, gaze to the ground.
On the drive home I replayed the game in my head. I asked my wife, who had come to watch, about what had happened. What had gone so wrong?! If I failed like that in my next game, we would surely lose, and we needed all the points we could get currently (can you tell I’m competitive…. Even in Co-Ed B league…). She told me her analysis of the game, and it matched up with mine. I understood what I had done wrong, hanging to far back into my net, not challenging…. No confidence... none whatsoever. I knew I had two options. Let this first game hang over my head, dwell on it and let it ruin my next game, or I could step up, fix my mistakes, and play with renewed vigor. I chose option 2.
The next game was a whole different story. I showed up at 11pm with more energy than I did for the 8pm game. I was determined and apparently so was the rest of my team. We started the game off with a bang, and dominated for the full 50 minutes. I made several saves, coming out to cut down angles, holding onto the ball, and making a highlight leaping far top post save. The ref blew his final whistle and we had beaten our rivals decidedly with a 6-1 finish. At last, a performance I was happy with. Not perfect as I’m still chasing that shut out but at least I could go to bed happy.
Now the purpose of that long winded story is that I want to show that failure isn’t a permanent thing. Failure is only as big a deal as you make it. Turning to a Winston Churchill quote, “Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” The hard truth is that you are going to fail at something at some point, no matter how good you are. Everybody loses a game, everyone lets in a goal. Perfect seasons are rare, and having two perfect seasons back to back is almost impossible. If you let failure control your life, you will be stuck there. I believe the reason I am where I am, in terms of every aspect of my life, including facing my disease, is my inability to accept failure as an end goal. I’ve had many embarrassing moments with my disease, but I refuse to let that keep me from doing anything. The last time I go out in public will not be because of my disease.
I have always believed that it is only failure if you give up, everything else is a minor set-back, a growth of character if you will. Don’t let a set-back become a failure. This is something that had been thrust in the forefront of my life because of disease. I’ve had disease issues at school, I’ve had them minutes before an exam. These have been trying moments for me. I could have easily said, “screw this” and gone home red-faced, and upset and no one would have blamed me. But I refused. If I had gone home, if I had missed that exam, I wouldn’t have gotten that A in the class. Sure I would’ve still passed, but I didn’t let one tiny failure stop me from success.
What I’m trying to say is that things can look dark, but most of the time, the light is just around the corner. This is where the little boy in me comes out and I think about a scene from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. It’s the Battle of Helms Deep, and all looks lost. The walls have been breached, they are at the doors of the hall, and in a last ditch effort, Aragorn decides to charge out. One last push. The company of Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and others ride out. They fight on. Just as it looks as though it’s all over, just as it gets the darkest, dawn approaches. The sun rise breaks out over the hill, and none other than Gandalf appears at the crest of that hill, with back up. They ended up winning the battle, but they wouldn’t have if they just stayed in that hall and gave in to defeat.
While I’m not Aragorn, and I don’t live in Middle Earth, I look at this moment in the Trilogy as the summary for most of the battles we fight. It always gets darkest before the dawn. Success is around the corner, but we have to fight for it. If you give up because of failure, you will never succeed. Don’t let that failure be your end point, ride out and meet it head on, because you don’t know what success is coming.