I’ve always considered myself fairly lucky, disease part aside. Even with all the schooling I’ve done, and all the jobs I’ve had, I’ve still been able to play sports and more importantly for today, dream of making it big as an athlete. For whatever reason, in everything I do, it had to be done with purpose. If I was training in martial arts, it wasn’t always to become a better person or stay in shape (it started out due to health) but rather soon became a quest to try and become a professional martial artist. That died out pretty quick once I experienced several doses of head trauma, really ending when I was diagnosed with my disease. Then came in soccer, and soon after the creation of this site, where I had planned to attend an open try out to show others that disease doesn’t have to hold you back. Yet, while I had changed the purpose of this site to a more encompassing view of how physical activity and sport can help you fight back against your disease, I had always kept this goal in the back of my mind. As I began to switch over to podcasting, and this site began turning more into a blog, I thought that the open tryout would be a perfect uplifting event to write about. Yet, over a year later, I am sitting at my kitchen table, completely okay with the fact that I won’t be going to an open tryout and that instead I will be heading to start my Master’s Degree next month. I wasn’t always okay with this, in fact, I even violated one of my own personal policies without knowing it.
As little as a week ago, when I first realized that my direction is no longer (and probably never was) towards professional sports, I realized that I was basing who I was on this idea. I had stopped playing guitar, which I used to love, and had focused everything around this one sport. I went from being Mike, the guy with Ulcerative Colitis to Mike, the Goalkeeper. In my mind, this is not much better. So, when I realized not long ago that I was also Mike, the Graduate student, I realized I had to make a choice. My school was holding open tryouts for the soccer team. I was encouraged to go, told I could make the team, but at the same time, some of the busiest work in my 2-year Master’s degree was going to be going on mid soccer season. I came to the conscious decision that I play sports for health and for fun, and that’s how I should keep it. I was steering everything towards playing soccer, including the training program I had posted not too long ago. I want to enjoy my sports, I want to enjoy my training, and yet, the more it took over my vision, the less I was enjoying it. This isn’t to say that I don’t want to be good at the sport. I think I am one of the few people that actually enjoys deliberate practice when I am not playing a game, and I wonder if that is why I enjoy coaching so much. Yet, the final nail in the coffin for my decision to step away from the open try out came in the form of wise words from a friend and the exclusion of another aspect of my life, fitness.
Now, I am not going to lie for a second. I’m vain. I tell my wife this. I like dressing nicely, I like looking good (or at least trying to look good). So, it should not come as a surprise when I say I like working out to look good. I like bodybuilding. Not the 300lbs, hulk-men on stage flexing at each other bodybuilding, but rather the process of building muscle in certain ratios so that you look good. To me, it is an art and fitness at the same time... Pretty cool if you ask me. Yet, while I had aspired to be an athlete on a more than amateur level, I had changed my training from bodybuilding to a more suitable type of training. It didn’t matter what I looked like as long as I performed well and wasn’t fat. What I’ve ended up with is 165lbs of lanky athletic talent but not much enjoyment in the gym. Just after I had realized my conflicting schedule between athletics and education, I was visiting a friend. While we were there, he asked me if I wanted to do a work out. I said sure, so we went down to his basement gym and ended up doing an arms workout. I hadn’t worked my biceps or triceps specifically in what has felt like years. I was sore for two days after! But after we finished the work out, I was telling him how I missed bodybuilding, but I was trying to get better at a sport. He asked me why I can’t do both, bodybuilding workouts and practice my sport. I told him it didn’t maximize my training, and he replied once again with “why not?” At this point, I didn’t really have a good answer for him. I had told him how I was no longer going to the try out but still wanted to be good at sports. His reply, and I’m paraphrasing here, had to do with enjoying what you do. I realized he was on to something. And that’s when it hit me. That was when I realized I had been putting aside a lot of hobbies I enjoyed in the pursuit of something else that I was beginning to enjoy less and less. Archery, music, fitness, all these things suffered. I also finally accepted that I won’t be a professional athlete. It took me until the age of 27, but I finally realized it. My area of expertise and soon to be mastery lies in a more academic, rather than athletic field. I have already begun jumping the hurdles to acquire this skill and it would be foolish to give it up, especially since I enjoy it very much.
So where has this left me? Well, I feel as though I have some closure. For years, I had trouble sticking to workout routines and other sort of goals. They would change almost weekly, and yet for some reason I feel different now. It was as if I always knew this was the final outcome, yet I had been fighting it over and over, with some strange belief that playing sports as a hobby and for health was unacceptable. Yet, I arrived here anyway. I have redesigned my workout routine (which I will update soon), and unlike many of my fellow UC or Crohn’s counterparts, it is not Crossfit… I have begun to look at sports in more of an enjoyment light. I still want to win every game, I still want to win my soccer league and lift a trophy, yet there is a sense that this is just a hobby. I don’t think I will ever lose that competitive edge though, so that is something I will have to live with. Most importantly, I look forward to my future even more now. I can’t wait to begin school in September. I can’t wait to give a talk at the end of this month, and I am looking forward to future events that I will take part in professionally. For once, school doesn’t feel forced, but rather as something I truly want to do, with the end goal an achievement I can truly be proud of. I look forward to finishing school years down the road and I look forward to stepping into my profession. For the first time in a long time, that long road into the future looks clear. I have my sports, hobbies, and fitness all intertwined in my future, for I will still say that without sports and fitness, I would not be in as good health as I am today, and I have a clear vision of where I am going now. It’s exciting. But fear not, because another thing is also certain. The Athletics for Life website and podcast will continue. Like I said, without sport and fitness, I would not be where I am today. It is a message that must be repeated for others to here.
I'll be back in a couple days with an updated routine, a few of my goals, and some thoughts as per usual!
