Today, I am discussing probably one of the more difficult lessons I have learned over the course of my disease. I say a lot that you shouldn't let your disease get in your way. Don't let it hold you back. If you encounter a road block, smash right through it without hesitation and keep tackling whatever it is that you are striving towards. However, there is one piece that I took for granted that I think is worth highlighting, especially as someone tackling a disease. That piece is that you cannot compare your journey to that of someone else's. While I strongly believe that the disease is not the limiting factor, the realistic approach is that timelines may (and usually will differ). If this all sounds like cryptic jargon, don't worry, I am going to dive into it further with a story of my own.
Full disclosure, I am probably the most impatient person there is. My wife likes to remind me that patience is not my strong suit. If I want something, need to fix something, achieve something, etc., I need to have it done yesterday. I do not like waiting, especially if I feel like it is outside of my control. Now, you can imagine that as someone with a disease, one that can keep you almost chained to a bathroom, is at ends with this type of mentality. Yet, impatience isn't really the issue here; where the issue lies is within the associated pressure I put on myself to complete tasks or reach objectives at timelines that may be unrealistic to my circumstance. Further, I think this is something that plagues more of us than we care to realize. It also has negative repercussions. Now on to one of many examples.
The first example is in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I am currently a blue belt in BJJ. I have been a blue belt for ten years and counting at this point, but with that said, that includes a seven year break due to disease and life, plus a second break due to another bout fighting against disease and more life (two full time jobs). Now, if I simply told people I am a blue belt, half the people I tell won't care and the other half will say "good for you". There is not a single person out there that I have come across that would look down upon me for this, even if I told them I've been at this "stage" for ten years. Yet, me an my impatience... You know what happened, I got inside my own head. I thought it was a tragedy that I have been a blue belt for this long, despite life and health, etc.. I began to put pressure on myself. I NEEDED that purple belt. I had to get good and quickly. I needed to beat the purple belts in the gym, I had to learn all the advanced techniques, and I had to demonstrate them when all the important people were watching. Cool, there is nothing wrong with having objectives. I'm sure others who have done BJJ have thought the same way, also why I wanted to lead with this one. But what actually ended up happening? Well, I would force myself to class, even when I felt off or tired. I would weightlift to get stronger when I should've rested. I started to embody the mentality of a competitor, except I wasn't competing. The pressure began to mount. And every session that went "poorly", I'd be angry. "That is not how one gets their purple belt," I would tell myself. What a dumb thought process.
This began to suck the fun out of jiu jitsu. This is supposed to be a hobby that keeps me healthy. A hobby that tests my mental toughness and exercises my brain as though I am playing 3D chess. Instead, I personally saw to it that I turned the hobby into a job. For what? My impatience. I couldn't even tell you why I wanted the belt so badly other than the fact that I'd been a blue belt for so long... Again, pretty stupid if you ask me. So, where does that leave me? It wasn't until earlier this year, when I had to take time off for a nose surgery, where I had time to think about it. My time away from jiu jitsu showed me that I missed doing the martial art. After some soul searching and tough questioning, I learned I didn't have a good answer to why I needed that belt even at the next grading. My wife won't leave me if I never get my purple belt. She is just happy that I do something I enjoy. My kid isn't judging me. I play Barbie gymnastics with her, and I am the coolest dad around regardless of my jiu jitsu rank. So why then? The truth, self-imposed pressure and impatience to reach a goal. Even as I battle this flare up, I realize that I just want to train. I want to get better for me, not some belt. But that pressure I had put on myself ( and who knows, maybe I would've kept the pressure on and quit) was wearing me down and ruining the martial art for me. So.... silly. But it happens.
Lastly, with disease, with this ulcerative colitis flare. My first flare was terrible. It lasted five years and as I look back I realize it took me close to a full year to heal from it after I got on the right medication. Well, I can tell you that when a new flare starts, you start caring less about the last flare. You only care about this flare and getting better right now. But things don't work that way. Yet, I don't care because I am impatient. I've taken my medication as prescribed, I've eaten clean. It should be instantaneously better. Well, it is a bit better. But it is slow moving. Yet, the pressure I have put on myself to heal NOW is only adding stress to the situation, which guess what, aggravates colitis. Realistically though, think about it this way. The equivalent thing would be like falling off my bike, putting a band aid and polysporen on the cut and it instantaneously closing. Not going to happen. So why do I think that is going to happen with the ulcers in my large intestine??? Strictly because I am impatient and have put this pressure on myself to heal now. Once again, a silly thought.
Now, I have focused a lot of my time on meditation and taking away the pressure I put on myself. It is not easy, and I do still struggle with it, both with colitis and jiu jitsu. But at least now I have recognized it. We often place these silly pressures on ourselves without realizing it and realizing the negativity it brings. Sports and martial arts should be a place of solace, not a pressure cooker (unless you are a professional, which I am not). Healing has it's own timeline. I am not the boss there. When we let go of these silly pressure points (and it is by no means easy), things seem to take care of themselves. As long as we are doing the right things, the results will follow. For me, one day that purple belt will come and this flare will end. I'll achieve remission again and be healthy. But I have to do the right things and trust the process. It is only going to hinder my process if I place pressure on myself and become impatient. These things take time. Let go, breathe, relax, and enjoy.
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