It has been five years at least. Five years since I had felt the pain of ulcerative colitis. Five years of remission. Five years of living a somewhat normal life, of feeling like the "old me". Yet, the river of time is never static and with its flow are new adventures. Sometimes those adventures include adversity and I stepped into a pile of adversity. After five years of remission of my ulcerative colitis, I have run into my old friend once again, and I can say with confidence that I did not miss him.
Ulcerative colitis flare ups are no fun. The slow creep of symptoms start on day one, at least in this case, progressively getting worse over time. Sometimes you get lucky and the symptoms will reverse course really quickly. In other cases, the symptoms go unchecked and unchallenged, only to ramp up into a serious event. I would consider what I have experienced in the last three weeks a relatively minor flare up of disease. I had a bout of some pretty intense pain two weeks ago combined with going to the bathroom 20+ times a day which seemed to have subsided, only to return this week with some nagging pain. I definitely think this second bit of flare up was my own fault. I know I shouldn't eat gluten-containing foods and large amounts of sugar, but .... it was my mom's birthday on the weekend so I thought indulging in the burgers and chocolate cake one day wouldn't be so bad. Oh ya, and I had pub food before that as I was stuck out and about doing errands. What can I say, it was a moment of weakness... A low point nutritionally.
The bigger flare up though was in relation to a septoplasty surgery I had earlier in May to fix a deviated septum (broken nose). Being immunosuppressed, I had to come off my medication for the surgery, plus having a round of some pretty serious antibiotics post-op, put me in the zone for a flare-up. Combine that with a "recovery diet" that included just getting large amounts of calories (you can imagine I wasn't about to cook at this time), and it is really no surprise the flare up happened. All that said, I feel as though I have everything reasonably under control at this point. We will see what happens in the next few days with a clean diet and some vigorous exercise, but I am back on my regular medication and it does take some time to heal. Fingers crossed. But all in all, this experience of a flare-up after so long in remission had me thinking about the psychology of going into a flare-up. It had me thinking about how when the flare-up started, I was scared and nervous, but soon that turned into concrete resolve and confidence. Truthfully speaking, it was a whole range of emotions that I was unprepared to face, and so, thought it would be good to talk about.
When the flare up was starting, when the pain began in my stomach, I thought it was weak enough to just be the antibiotics doing what it does. The course of antibiotics I was on is notorious for causing stomach pain and symptoms that can mimic some of the softer colitis symptoms. By day three, I knew it wasn't the antibiotics. That third morning, fear crept in to give the pain company. Was this the start of another three year battle against a somewhat serious bout of colitis? Had I been off my meds long enough that they no longer worked? It was a similar feeling to when you go to step on the mat when your name is called at a Jiu Jitsu tournament, only this time the outcome is substantially more serious, so the nerves are elevated. These nerves just multiply the issue as stress can worsen colitis symptoms. I started reliving the past and seeing myself years ago barely able to leave my house. I was back in my old room, tossing and turning in bed during one of those sleepless nights where the pain and urgency to run to the bathroom kept me up all night. The fear was closing in, but it hadn't won yet. There was a choice to be made. I knew this from my last bout with colitis. I knew this with my life experience from sports, schooling, and other adverse situations I had been in. The choice needed to be made, and it needed to be made now.
I had two very simple options at this juncture. The first, I could give in to my fate. I could buckle in, grab my Imodium, chicken and rice and hope it wasn't going to be that bad. I could cancel/pause my Jiu Jitsu membership, talk to my manager at work and get ready to ride this thing out. I could prepare for the anxiety, the pain, and continue fretting about the near future. That doesn't sound great to me. My second option, I could face this thing head on. I could accept that the next weeks to months will be hard, but I could put my head down, dig deep, adapt and persevere. I would continue doing what I have been doing to the best of my ability. I could continue to work out, go to Jiu Jitsu, work hard, and do what I needed to do with no excuses. Of course, with this course of action, I would need to make some changes. For example, I might have to leave a little early for Jiu Jitsu to make sure I had time for a bathroom break, or even fast before training (which I did during the first mini flare after my operation).
I picked option two. In fact, the very night that I realized I had this choice, I went out to my garage and did a squat workout. Not the most fun, but I had to prove to myself that I could do it. Now, at that point in time, did I have to run to the bathroom after every set? Yup. Did that stop me? No. I made a commitment that last time I was sick that I wouldn't let this disease dictate my life. It had taken me three years to come to that decision. I wasn't about to let the start of a flare send me backwards. Yet, I have realized how easily such a thing can happen. That flare induced fear. Fear has this ability to squeeze itself into your most vulnerable spaces in your mind have it shut down. It doesn't have to be that way. It really doesn't. But it has to be a decision you make consciously. You need to decide that this will not be the flare up of your disease, no matter what it is, that will keep you down. No, you have been here before and you surpassed the challenge and you will do it again... and again... and again if you have to. Why? Because you don't have quit in you. I won't quit... and I won't let others around me quit either. I think of that when I have my weak moments. When I feel like quitting, I think of the example I will set to those around me if I don't quit and I push passed the adversity. It's easy to show someone a motivational video on YouTube, it's another to actually be the behaviour you are trying to inspire within those around you.
I will sign this one off with a quote. This quote comes from Mark Twain and is one that I often think of when fear tries to get inside my head. Growing up, I thought fear was a sign of weakness. I couldn't have been anymore wrong. I know this now. I hope you realize that too. Anyway, the quote goes as follows: "Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it." Fear is inevitable. It is how we respond to it that matters. Don't run from it. Beat it into submission. And remember: Impossible is just a word.
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